Living Your True Self
A Journey of Self-discovery.
Promised Land State Park, Pennsylvania. Picture taken by Lisa Stenger.
Have you ever received words of encouragement from someone who was facing their own discouragement in their life? It can come across as insincere.
Maybe the tone in the encouragement delivered feels a bit like they are just saying what is expected of them.
Well, don’t you think that if you want your words of encouragement and hope to be received as uplifting and sincere, you should first believe and display those things yourself?
How about those people who share unsolicited advice and come across as critical, offensive, or in some other way displeasing and annoying? You know the kind. I’m fully aware that I could be talking about myself. I’m good at offering my opinion. I catch myself at times and realize I need to practice my listening skills.
When I was juggling several roles and volunteering in different places, I thought I had it all together. Sometimes, the many hats I wore were stacked on top of each other and could clash. I thought I had everything under control. My overscheduled lifestyle blinded me. My relationships suffered because of my neglect of connection in marriage, children, extended family, friends, and self-care. I gave the bare minimum in those areas, enough to feel like I’m contributing and showing I care. I thought that bringing those people into my world of hat-wearing was spending time with them. Meanwhile, I was missing out on noticing what was going on in their world. They would help me with my volunteer responsibilities because I was taking on too many things on my own and needed extra assistance. I lacked genuine intimacy in my relationships, including with my Maker and Savior.
Internally, I convinced myself I was the master of multitasking. I lost sense of the purpose of serving and who I was serving. My attitude was poor, and my purpose shifted from God-driven to self-driven. In some ways, I was overscheduling to avoid the areas in my life that needed tending to.
It wasn’t until my world came crashing down and my mother became so ill with dementia that I had to drop everything I was doing to give my parents my undivided attention. Which also depleted any attention I had left to give to other relationships. I went from over-scheduled in serving organizations to over-scheduled in caring for my parents.
This new rhythm became a lonely place for me. I became bitter and resentful in my heart. As much as I felt it an honor to care for my mother and give my father much-needed breaks, I felt I was falling apart on the inside. Every part of my core was drained to the point of emptiness. I felt I had nothing left to give. If I were honest, I would wake up and feel there was nothing left in me, but I somehow managed to get out the door to do it all over again, neglecting my own needs. There was no balancing my responsibilities; I felt my hands were losing their strength, slipping through the small, tattered, worn-out life preserver I had been using all along.
As you can imagine, my attempts at cheering someone on and giving a word of empathy or encouragement were not meant with sincerity. I truly had nothing left inside. I was pouring from an empty cup. The sad thing is, I knew it in my heart. I felt no longer myself. Even after my mother's passing, I was still so emotionally, mentally, and physically tapped out. My mind was numb and unresponsive to any trivial things going on around me, empty of any emotion.
For the next three months, I became a couch potato. It took all I had just to make it through a workday or a day of caring for my granddaughter. I looked forward to Mondays and Fridays to spend with her. It seemed the only thing filling my cup back up. I didn’t return to any of my volunteer jobs because that’s exactly what they had become to me - jobs, not opportunities to serve others. There was no life in me, no hearty laughter exhibiting joy, or no in-depth conversations connected in fellowship. I just existed and wasn’t even sure why I existed anymore. Anyone that would ask me to help, I would turn them down.
It was a form of self-care. I had done so much for so long that I needed true rest for every part of my mind, heart, and body. This is why God made the Sabbath, and Jesus took time away to pray alone. We were not made for this kind of lifestyle. We are made to serve, and then the Lord gives you relief as you rest.
One day, the Holy Spirit prompted me to revisit a weekend retreat curriculum I had created for a young adult girls' retreat based on our core beliefs and self-worth. I began to read and re-study it. I reflected on why I felt so empty, worthless, and unvalued. It had become obvious that I felt this way because I had burned out from prioritizing my volunteering or my mother's care over everything and everyone else in my life. Once I no longer had an overwhelming volunteer schedule or my mother’s care to attend to, I felt I had no purpose without those things.
Friends, what a bunch of lies! What I do, who I serve, or whom I care for does not give me value. What I prioritized in caring for and serving others became idols, giving me a false sense of self-worth. This sudden awareness ignited a strong desire for change. Reading through the retreat curriculum, I realized this wasn’t just a study I did to help the young adults on retreat, but it was a gift from God for this moment to myself. It was a great reminder to understand where my value and worth come from. I needed a purpose again, but I needed to re-evaluate where God wanted my attention and focus. I needed to re-prioritize my relationships and how I chose to connect and nourish them back to a healthy place. All those things I was doing before were standing in the way of where God was calling me. They became things of me, from me, not of God, for God.
If you are telling yourself these kinds of lies about your self-worth, it could be the very thing that is blocking you from recognizing the needs of others whom God is calling you to serve.
As you receive God’s love and truth about yourself, you will better reflect genuine love to others that shine brightly over their darkness.
“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.” (James 1:22-25 NIV).
Moving from hearing and reading the Word to DOING the Word. Be mindful of your intimate time with God to ask for His direction on what and where He needs you. A daily, weekly, or monthly self-check-in, reflecting on how you spent your time and how you plan to spend it, can help you take steps to serve God, not yourself. What part of you is in the way of God showing you where you belong? Set healthy boundaries for yourself to make sure you don’t cross the line that emptied you before.
Don’t forget where you came from or how you got to where you are today. Your faith story will inspire others and give them hope! Your lessons are God’s given wisdom to pass on.
Self-Reflection:
1. What past beliefs about what you should do and who you should be do you need to let go of?
2. What boundaries do you need to set to make sure what you do is aligned with the core values of God?
3. Are you living authentically to who God is calling you to be? Doing what God is calling you to do?
4. What thinking needs to be realigned from self-serving to God-serving?
This could begin to become a form of people-pleasing.
Learn the importance of listening to God’s word and allowing it to generate a focus, pressing onward for change, and applying His Word to your life.
From session 2 of True Reflection: Focusing On Your Precious Identity With Purpose, a five-session Women’s Bible study is coming soon! Visit www.lisa-stenger.com for more on the upcoming books and monthly blog stories.
